I am extremely hard on myself. Extremely. Along with that comes anxiety. And along with that, comes a lot of internal debating about anything and everything. EVERY. DANG. THING. A constant cycle of "shoulds" race through my mind like the ticker on ESPN or CNN. "I should respond to so & so's email right now." "I should make that recipe I pinned on Pinterest." I should finally do that project I said I was going to do weeks ago." "I should eat a salad rather than nachos." "I should do laundry later and go for a walk now." "I should drink water rather than Coke." "I should go figure out why my printer won't scan." And at this exact moment, the dog is next to me moaning out of boredom, so my mind says, "You should quit typing and pay attention to the dog." I should I should I should I SHOULD. IT'S ANNOYING to be this way, and it's not a very fun way to be. There is no real relaxation, no peace of mind. It's really difficult to find pure enjoyment in a lot of things when you're constantly telling yourself you shouldn't be doing what you're doing, or that you should be doing something different instead. Do any of you do this, too?! I hope not, but I'm sure I'm not the only one. It's a feeling of never being able to win. It's knowing I'm making my life way harder than it needs to be. It's debating with myself on what the "right" thing is in regards to every aspect of life, all the time 24/7. Anxiety sucks, but I've been this way all 38+ years of my life, so it's not new. It's not until I sit and really think about it when I realize how crazy it really is! Hence, the lengthy delays in my blog posts. I know I - ahem - should have posted sooner, but I've been debating about the direction this blog is taking. Since before I even started blogging, I had created a topic list of things I'd maybe like to write about, and have come up with dozens and am always thinking of more. But I deliberately put off writing. For one, I feel like every entry needs to be my most well-written body of work ever - that just spewing off the hip isn't enough. Secondly, as I conceptualize posting ideas, I get carried away by very loud speaking thoughts, which immediately jump onto that ticker in my head. As I think through a topic, I find myself asking, "Why write about this and put it out in the world? Who really cares about what I have to say, or what I do with my life and my time?" I mean, my life isn't any better than anyone else's. What I do in it isn't anything special. I know a lot, but wouldn't consider myself an expert on anything per se. I don't really have anything new to add to life in general, like the next greatest craft idea or a new, yummilicious chicken recipe.
One of the worse things I do to myself is surf Pinterest! Seriously. It's kind of what prompted this topic as a post. I love Pinterest and I hate it, too. :) When I look at stuff that interests me, anything I know I could do turns into something I SHOULD do. It'd be difficult for me to even say it's perhaps something I want to do, it just immediately gets added to the never-ending to-do list. Then it cycles on that ticker, and almost literally itches at my being until I do it. But then I don't get around to doing it, and the shoulds talk louder because they've lived in my brain longer. But because it's addicting, I keep surfing, finding more ideas, and of course, that links me to other peoples' websites and blogs. And that's what makes me question whether I'm going in a good, or right, direction with my own.
I read other blogs where people post recipes, crafty doings, decorating projects, organizational ideas, and I feel like I should be posting those things, too I mean, I spend my time cooking, photographing, decorating, scrapbooking, organizing, .... So when I see so many other blogs out there with that kinda of content, I feel like that's what I should be posting about and that I'm going about this all wrong. I never wanted this blog to be a journal, which it seems to be so far, nor do I want it to be a "brag book" with me posting about all this stuff I do. By nature I'm not a self-promoter, and like I said above, I don't feel that I have anything special or ingenious to post about. (The few times I have posted things like that on Facebook has been done at the encouragement of friends, and although I did it, I still feel uneasy about it.) I feel like if I post about things I create or do, that it would come across as narcissistic or arrogant, or that I'm like, "Hey, look at me!" or feel that I'm trying to be better than them, when that would never be my intent at all. But where the conflict comes in is that I do not, in any way, think that of other bloggers. I've never once gotten that read from any blogs I've read, nor do I feel that way about any of those bloggers or pinners, whether they're strangers or friends. I guess I'm more open-minded to other people, and more easy-going on others than I am of myself! (Again, I'm sure I'm not the only one like that!)
My friend, suburbanfarmmom.blogspot.com, posted this on her Facebook page the other day, and it immediately hit home about my goal with my page:
As I've said before, I want this to be a connecting tool with those of you out there in social media world. And as I read that, I am asking myself why I am writing about this. I think I'm just trying to work through some of that anxiety I talked about, and the feelings of doing it "wrong", and trying to move on. To give myself permission to be OK with whatever I'm doing at any given moment, and to feel like it's OK to post things I do. To remind myself that by sharing more parts of my life will indeed create more connection, and maybe make others feel like it's OK to do as well. I'd encourage anyone else to do it, and people have encouraged me, so I'm going to encourage myself to do it, too!
I should go now, and go check on how that homemade stain remover that I found on Pinterest is working on a shirt. Change that. I'm going to go now, and check on a new trick I came across and am trying! Hmmm, maybe I'm making progress!!
Until next week, when I WILL post again! Take care, everyone!
I am the queen of "I should's" I have this huge list of things "I should do" and then I always tell myself, "I'll do it tomorrow..." and before you know it all of that stuff builds up, guilt sets in and then frustration...then I'll finally do a few things and the whole cycle will start over again...you aren't alone! But you know that already we have quite alot in common we have found out when it comes to situations like that :) Love ya girl!
ReplyDeleteJen Bushmaker :)
Shoulda coulda woulda. We all do it. Try having a cocktail, sitting down, and writing a post for 30 minutes. No more than 30 minutes. Start typing as soon as you sit down. Finish it in 30 minutes or under, take a deep breath, and hit "publish". Don't proofread it. I know, scary, goes against every nerve in your body, but it's therapeutic. Try to step out of your comfort zone and write a post when you're an inspired UNDERTHINKER! You'd be surprised what comes out of your brain...
ReplyDeleteThanks for this, though. And yes, you're not the only one. It is a constant effort on my part, every day, to remind myself that it's okay that I'm not Martha Stewart and Oprah and June Cleaver and Sofia Vegara all rolled into one.