Wednesday, October 24, 2012

"... A Cluster When There is Hardly Time to Breathe."

"Life comes in clusters, clusters of solitude, then a cluster when there is hardly time to breathe."  ~ May Sarton

I came across that quote today as I was going through and purging old magazines, and that last part of it couldn't be more fitting for what I have recently been reflecting on.  It was that quote that inspired this post.

This past weekend was my 12th wedding anniversary!  Already!  It just doesn't seem like it has been that long.  Yet in the same turn, it feels like forever (and I don't mean that in a bad way).  I've been married to my husband for twelve years, but I have known him for 20.  It's hard to remember parts of my life he wasn't around for as either an acquaintance, friend, best friend, boyfriend, fiancé, or husband.  With that kind of history, you would think that our wedding day would have been the best day of our lives.  And by all accounts, isn't your wedding day supposed to be?!  Ours was in many ways, but it wasn't, too.  What I remember most of the whole thing is that there was "hardly time to breathe".

You see, our engagement time was not the magical time most of us always dream it to be.  Of course there was stress about wedding planning and the cost of everything, but that was expected.  Our wedding was in October of 2000, and this is the timeline of the 13 months leading up to it:

~  In September of 1999, my grandma passed away. My last living grandparent and the one I was closest to. 
~  About three weeks after her passing, we got engaged during a weekend trip to Chicago!
~  My brother, and only sibling, was battling cancer for the second time in his life, and in the fourth year of that second bout.
~  Within a few weeks of our engagement, he went into hospice. 
~  That December, he passed away ten days before Christmas.
~  A cousin of mine lost her battle with breast cancer. 
~  One of my best friends in the world was going to be a bridesmaid in the wedding, but she was unable to get approved leave from the Army to be there.
~  My fiancé and I moved out of the house we shard with 6 other friends, and moved into our own place.  Searching for a new place and moving is always stressful, but leaving that house and our friends was really tough.
~  Then a month before the wedding, my family dog had to be put to sleep. 

I don't remember too much of that year, other than immeasurable stress.  Planning a wedding was stressful enough, but adding in loss after loss and deep grieving just made it seem surreal.  I recall one instance when my now husband said to my mom that he felt bad for the timing of our engagement.  She said there was nothing to apologize or feel bad for because she needed something good, and something to look forward to.  That eased both of our minds, ever so slightly.   

When our wedding day finally came to fruition, it wasn't a day of eternal bliss for me. The wedding and the planning and the whole process was so tied to all of the bad and sad, that I really just wanted it over.  That whole year leading up to the big day, one thought I had was that AFTER the wedding the "new normal" would start, and then I could finally breathe, just maybe.  A new normal that would include a husband, but go on without my brother, my cousin, my grandma, my pet, and in some ways, the friends we moved away from.  I'd take on a new name, and I'd become a different person in a lot of ways.  And the fact that of all people, my brother wouldn't know the "new me" was almost impossible to comprehend.  But with all that in mind, the fact of having no more planning to do or huge checks to write was indeed a bright spot to see at the end of what felt like an endless, dark tunnel. 

As backwards as it sounds, our wedding wasn't about us. We knew we'd be married, and that the overall objective would happen, but we wanted it to be for everyone there that we loved.  We wanted it to be a great, memorable night for everyone, not just us.  My constant stress and fear had turned its focus onto the events of the present.  I was worried sick that people weren't having a good time, worried that people didn't like the food, worried that I wasn't spending enough time with people, ... worried worried worried.  My head was spinning.  I wanted to enjoy it all so badly, but more so, I just wanted it over.  At dinner my husband and I each spoke, and I clearly remember saying that I was glad this day had come and almost gone.  That sounds horrible, but everyone there knew what I meant.  But at that moment, it made me sad that that was how I saw our wedding.  It was genuine and true, but sad as hell. 

I cried really hard in the arms of my new husband as the last song played at the reception.  That 'cluster of no room to breathe' was almost over.  For as glad as I was to see it come to an end, I was just as sad about it, too.  I've always been one with a lot of conflicting emotions, and that day was the epitome. 

To this day, even though it's impossible, I would still give anything for our wedding to have been surrounded by different, less heart-wrenching circumstances. I can't change the fact that our wedding was in many ways defined by loss, but over time my conflict of emotions regarding our wedding day have ceased and really turned to just focus on the positives.  Here are just a few of the highlights:

~ The weather that day was amazing! It was about 70 degrees, sunny, and a little past peak with the fall colors. It was one of those autumn days you just want to bottle up!
~ We luckily didn't get many "no" responses, so we were surrounded by about 275 friends and family. Moments like that happen so rarely in life that it's simply humbling to be surrounded by so much love!
~  One of our best friends was able to get leave from the Army to be there in the wedding!  (He was in a different part of the army than my bridesmaid who didn't get approved leave.)
~ Nothing really went wrong with the wedding or reception. A few of the disposable cameras didn't work, and the food was not the same as we had initially tasted, but those things are so miniscule that they didn't ever count as an error to us.
~  Even in the midst of all my worrying, I witnessed our friends and family having a really great time.
~ Our wedding actually inspired one of our best friends to ask out someone he liked. Four years later, they were married!
~  Our singer, a dear friend of my husband's named Jim Mitchell, gave us one of the best gifts of all just by being there that day (he was not in the best of health).  I'm pretty certain that everyone that was there that day remembers his extraordinary voice.  It's one of the best we've ever heard, and still brings tears to our eyes when we think of it.
~ One of our friends who was a relatively new girlfriend of an old roommate, at that time, told me just a few years ago that, "that was the night {she} fell in love with his friends"! 
~ Ours was one of 13 weddings we had that year! What fun to share the wedding phase of life with so many friends!
~ I remember all the hugs and kisses from our friends and family I received that day.
~ And best of all, we were married!!

Throught all these years, people have told us stories from our big day and talk about what a great time they had, or certain things that happened that night.  Every story is nothing but fun, happiness, or a compliment to the event we put together.  It took me a long time to truly believe all of that good stuff because that was so not how I felt inside.  As I look back at pictures from that day, I am indeed smiling a genuine smile, and I remember feeling surrounded by love from everyone there.  Every tear I shed that day was a true, raw emotion, whether it was joy, gratefulness, or sadness.  And every smile and hug I gave was sincere and from my heart, and the ones I got in return meant more than any others I'd ever received.  I could not have gotten through that year of my life without the constant, unwavering support from my then fiancé and our friends.  When I look back on that time, that is now what is in the forefront of my mind.  And all of that support will forever touch my heart.  That is what got me to breathe once again....   
 
Now that I have rambled on for so long, I'm asking myself, "Why am I even writing about this?"  I guess partially in a way to still process everything that happened, to re-examine it, and to remember that it's always best to focus on the positives, and the love that are around me.  It's always a good reminder for me, and i think anyone else to remember that the tough times do get better, and the good does shine through.  I feel so incredibly lucky to have been, and still be surrounded by so many amazing people who support me, support us, and love us.  For that reason alone, I'd love to do it all over again!  I wouldn't have a second wedding or vow renewal, but I am thinking of a huge anniversary party some year (and that sounds truly FUN to plan)!  But also, I'm writing this to those of you who were there to share our day with us.  It still means as much to me now as it did then to have you there, and I am so grateful to have all of you still present in my life.  I can never express enough thanks for appreciation for being a part of my family, because that's what you are.  You have added so much to my life, and I love you all....





     

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Beginnings & Endings...

I want to start off by saying a sincere and heartfelt "THANK YOU!" to all of you who have read my first posts, and have been so supportive and encouraging! What a blessing it is to have such wonderful friends in my life.  Not a day goes by I don't keep that in the forefront of my mind!  Especially during a time like this...

It has been a topsy-turvy past two days emotionally.  And the reasons why don't even have anything to do with me.  (In advance I apologize if this is not the most put-together post.)  First, I was informed of the most wonderful news!  Yesterday, a dear friend of mine had her dream of becoming a mother come true!  After years of longing and wishing and praying, she and her husband could finally have a child all their own.  What could be better than that?!  That news made my heart smile, and filled me with so much joy for them, and for this new baby who would call my friends his parents!  Being by your friend's side (whether it be physically or miles apart) and watch them realize a dream is a powerful, deeply moving experience.  And the positivity that a new baby can bring to the world, and how it can shape our own thoughts to be more positive and bright, is something I think we all need to realize more often in daily life.

But then...

Later that same day, as this new baby is coming into the world, my husband and I get a phone call.  Not a good one.  Another friend of ours had his life turned upside down.  His son, only 22 years old, his fourth child, was burned in a house fire earlier that morning and in critical condition.  That news will stop anyone in their tracks, and it certainly stopped my husband and me.  I don't even know our friend's son, never even met him.  But I know our friend and what an amazing man he is.  That alone made my heart sink, and fill with a deep, deep sadness for the unimaginable nightmare he was now living. 

I woke this morning to the news that our friend's son was probably not going to make it through the day.  I had been awake maybe 5 minutes and I was fully in tears.  Not for myself, but for our friend and his family.  I looked out the window to see it had rained.  It was dreary and cloudy.  The picture outside that window painted how I was feeling, and I assume how so many others were feeling, too.

Within the matter of a few hours, I get a text from my other friend which includes a picture of her new baby.  A simply adorable, precious face, so cute, so full of promise and potential.  Talk about the irony of life.  Here I am in one exact moment in time exhuberantly happy to see a new baby enter the world, and also completely heartbroken knowing that a young man is every second closer and closer to leaving the world entirely too soon.  

I went about my day feeling cloudy, and constantly wondering what was happening at the hospital.  My husband spent the day there to be with our friend, so I was getting updates periodically.  I tried to take my mind off of the situation by tackling my to-do list.  My self-directed big project of the day included going through old pictures, which coincidentally enough, were from when I was 22 years old.  As I looked back at my past, it brought back some of the best and happiest times of my life.  Yet as soon as I felt that, that wonderful feeling turned into a confused, sympathetic sadness.  Here are pictures of me at age 22, full of happiness and life, and now 16 years later, as I'm reflecting on how great it was to be that age, I get the notification that our friend's son had just lost his life. 

He was the same age as I was in the pictures I was staring at.  My mind started racing with thoughts of all this poor kid would now never get the chance to do, and experiences he wouldn't get to live.  So much promise and potential unfulfilled.  So many people now had a light taken from them, and were rocked to their core.  Their life has temporarily stopped, and the future seems unbearable and so far out of touch.  Rightfully so.  All the while in a different state, another friend of mine is rejoicing, and looking to the future with jubilance.  Rightfully so.

In the past two days, I have had countless reflective moments inspired by life's beginnings and it's endings.  All I can gather from these reflections is that life is more precious that I think most of us feel on a daily level.  Each and every person has impact, and we all enter and leave the world surrounded by tears and love.  And maybe we need to focus more on the love in between the beginnings and endings.

My most heartfelt love and support go out to our friends who are new parents, and to our friends who are grieving...   





Friday, October 5, 2012

A Little Gift with Big Meaning...

Well, true to my blog title, I've been thinking about it too much.  It, being this, my second post.  I gave myself a bit of a pat on the back for starting the blog, but then I got cold feet again.  I seem to always be thinking of topics to write about, and that is rather exhilarating!  Then I'll start drafting my posts as an internal dialogue, and before I can even get ideas down on paper or onto the computer, I start "grading" them with an imaginary red pen.  Then it dawns on my that I still have a lot to learn about blogging itself, and even with the simple set up of the page.  Those things together combine, and the result is me not posting.  SO, in trying to overcome my own obstacles, I'm just going to sit down here and GO with what is on my mind right now!

I'm the kind of person that when I find a gift that I really want to give to someone, or if I know I found something that the recipient will love, I can't wait to give it to them!  I have a tendency to give my husband gifts well before Christmas or our anniversary just because I'm so excited to give it to him.  It also doesn't help that he is rather difficult to buy for, and doesn't want or need much.  So when I come up with something good, I can't wait.  Tonight was one of those nights.

Some background to the story is necessary here.  My husband and I met in college when we both in the University of Minnesota Marching Band.  I was a flag, he was a trombone.  He was actually one of the very first people I met when I went off to school and started in band.  Anyway, he and some of our friends in the bone section had these little Legomen on their trombones.  You know, Legos from when we were kids, the little figures.  Why they did this, I have no clue (nor does my husband!).  It was just something silly and funny.  I remember I was given a Legoman by one of them, and I was the only non-trombone to get one.  Mine even had a flag in his hand.  I felt so cool.  Ha!  :)  Well, my then friend Alec, had a Lego pig he named Kool Mo Pig.  Kool Mo was well-known and you didn't mess with or dis the pig.  :)
(my flag Legoman!)

On a Gopher football gameday, we did a typical march around the outside of the Dome (the Minneapolis, Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome).  No one seems to know why, but Kool Mo was getting tossed around the bone section.  (Yeah, not bright to begin with.)  And of course, what happened?  What you'd expect.  Someone in the section, who shall remain nameless, dropped Kool Mo.  To look for him would have meant stopping the whole marching band, and that would be like trying to stop a rushing herd.  It wasn't going to happen.  Kool Mo was gone.  Now keep in mind, this was the fall of 1994 I believe, and to this present day, Kool Mo, and the loss of him still gets talked about!  

For years I had told myself I'd search eBay and find Alec a replacement Kool Mo.  It was one of those passing monment thoughts.  I'd think it, and then forget it for a long time, or just put it off.  Just this week, I searched eBay, and found one!  I clicked the "buy it now" button without even batting an eye.  He arrived in the mail just two days ago, and I couldn't help but smile when I opened the envelope.  I set Kool Mo 2 aside and was going to decide later when to present him to Alec.  Maybe for Christmas, maybe for our upcoming anniversary, or maybe even at the start of the U's homecoming which is next week.  But Alec came home from work today kinda punchy, and he admitted he was feeling annoyed.  We talked throughout dinner and he was most annoyed at the fact he was annoyed and wasn't able to let it go.  I knew this was a perfect time to present Kool Mo 2.

I told him I had a little present for him, and he gave me this confused look and asked why.  I said that I had something I wanted to give him, and this might make him happy.  I asked him to sit on the couch, close his eyes and hold out his hand.  Now I have known Alec for 20 years, and I've given him a lot of gifts in that time.  But the smile on his face when I told him to open his eyes and he saw Kool Mo 2, was priceless!  I haven't seen that kind of smile on him in a long time.  You all know that smile.  The one of a simple, pure joy.  Not even giving him an F-150 would bring a smile like that.  That little plastic pig brings back so many great memories, but now it's more than just that.  It's what it symbolizes and represents - our college days, the best times of our lives, some easier, simpler, and dare I say, more fun times!      

So now, Kool Mo 2 can sit on a shelf in our family room with my Legoman, and in a small, childlike way, it's like all is right in our little the world again.  Alec has a little piece of his past back, and like I had hoped, his mood totally improved!

(Kool Mo 2!)

What little thing, or toy, would make you light up?  What little thing or toy would make someone you care about light up?  It's a fun thing to think about!  So I hope you do, and that you come up with your own Kool Mo 2 type of gift for someone in your life!  I think we all need something simple, and little to bring some joy into this crazy life.

I still haven't come up with a cool sign-off.  So in the meantime here, I'll say...

Until next time (and it won't take me as long as it did this time!)...