"... A Cluster When There is Hardly Time to Breathe."

"Life comes in clusters, clusters of solitude, then a cluster when there is hardly time to breathe."  ~ May Sarton

I came across that quote today as I was going through and purging old magazines, and that last part of it couldn't be more fitting for what I have recently been reflecting on.  It was that quote that inspired this post.

This past weekend was my 12th wedding anniversary!  Already!  It just doesn't seem like it has been that long.  Yet in the same turn, it feels like forever (and I don't mean that in a bad way).  I've been married to my husband for twelve years, but I have known him for 20.  It's hard to remember parts of my life he wasn't around for as either an acquaintance, friend, best friend, boyfriend, fiancé, or husband.  With that kind of history, you would think that our wedding day would have been the best day of our lives.  And by all accounts, isn't your wedding day supposed to be?!  Ours was in many ways, but it wasn't, too.  What I remember most of the whole thing is that there was "hardly time to breathe".

You see, our engagement time was not the magical time most of us always dream it to be.  Of course there was stress about wedding planning and the cost of everything, but that was expected.  Our wedding was in October of 2000, and this is the timeline of the 13 months leading up to it:

~  In September of 1999, my grandma passed away. My last living grandparent and the one I was closest to. 
~  About three weeks after her passing, we got engaged during a weekend trip to Chicago!
~  My brother, and only sibling, was battling cancer for the second time in his life, and in the fourth year of that second bout.
~  Within a few weeks of our engagement, he went into hospice. 
~  That December, he passed away ten days before Christmas.
~  A cousin of mine lost her battle with breast cancer. 
~  One of my best friends in the world was going to be a bridesmaid in the wedding, but she was unable to get approved leave from the Army to be there.
~  My fiancé and I moved out of the house we shard with 6 other friends, and moved into our own place.  Searching for a new place and moving is always stressful, but leaving that house and our friends was really tough.
~  Then a month before the wedding, my family dog had to be put to sleep. 

I don't remember too much of that year, other than immeasurable stress.  Planning a wedding was stressful enough, but adding in loss after loss and deep grieving just made it seem surreal.  I recall one instance when my now husband said to my mom that he felt bad for the timing of our engagement.  She said there was nothing to apologize or feel bad for because she needed something good, and something to look forward to.  That eased both of our minds, ever so slightly.   

When our wedding day finally came to fruition, it wasn't a day of eternal bliss for me. The wedding and the planning and the whole process was so tied to all of the bad and sad, that I really just wanted it over.  That whole year leading up to the big day, one thought I had was that AFTER the wedding the "new normal" would start, and then I could finally breathe, just maybe.  A new normal that would include a husband, but go on without my brother, my cousin, my grandma, my pet, and in some ways, the friends we moved away from.  I'd take on a new name, and I'd become a different person in a lot of ways.  And the fact that of all people, my brother wouldn't know the "new me" was almost impossible to comprehend.  But with all that in mind, the fact of having no more planning to do or huge checks to write was indeed a bright spot to see at the end of what felt like an endless, dark tunnel. 

As backwards as it sounds, our wedding wasn't about us. We knew we'd be married, and that the overall objective would happen, but we wanted it to be for everyone there that we loved.  We wanted it to be a great, memorable night for everyone, not just us.  My constant stress and fear had turned its focus onto the events of the present.  I was worried sick that people weren't having a good time, worried that people didn't like the food, worried that I wasn't spending enough time with people, ... worried worried worried.  My head was spinning.  I wanted to enjoy it all so badly, but more so, I just wanted it over.  At dinner my husband and I each spoke, and I clearly remember saying that I was glad this day had come and almost gone.  That sounds horrible, but everyone there knew what I meant.  But at that moment, it made me sad that that was how I saw our wedding.  It was genuine and true, but sad as hell. 

I cried really hard in the arms of my new husband as the last song played at the reception.  That 'cluster of no room to breathe' was almost over.  For as glad as I was to see it come to an end, I was just as sad about it, too.  I've always been one with a lot of conflicting emotions, and that day was the epitome. 

To this day, even though it's impossible, I would still give anything for our wedding to have been surrounded by different, less heart-wrenching circumstances. I can't change the fact that our wedding was in many ways defined by loss, but over time my conflict of emotions regarding our wedding day have ceased and really turned to just focus on the positives.  Here are just a few of the highlights:

~ The weather that day was amazing! It was about 70 degrees, sunny, and a little past peak with the fall colors. It was one of those autumn days you just want to bottle up!
~ We luckily didn't get many "no" responses, so we were surrounded by about 275 friends and family. Moments like that happen so rarely in life that it's simply humbling to be surrounded by so much love!
~  One of our best friends was able to get leave from the Army to be there in the wedding!  (He was in a different part of the army than my bridesmaid who didn't get approved leave.)
~ Nothing really went wrong with the wedding or reception. A few of the disposable cameras didn't work, and the food was not the same as we had initially tasted, but those things are so miniscule that they didn't ever count as an error to us.
~  Even in the midst of all my worrying, I witnessed our friends and family having a really great time.
~ Our wedding actually inspired one of our best friends to ask out someone he liked. Four years later, they were married!
~  Our singer, a dear friend of my husband's named Jim Mitchell, gave us one of the best gifts of all just by being there that day (he was not in the best of health).  I'm pretty certain that everyone that was there that day remembers his extraordinary voice.  It's one of the best we've ever heard, and still brings tears to our eyes when we think of it.
~ One of our friends who was a relatively new girlfriend of an old roommate, at that time, told me just a few years ago that, "that was the night {she} fell in love with his friends"! 
~ Ours was one of 13 weddings we had that year! What fun to share the wedding phase of life with so many friends!
~ I remember all the hugs and kisses from our friends and family I received that day.
~ And best of all, we were married!!

Throught all these years, people have told us stories from our big day and talk about what a great time they had, or certain things that happened that night.  Every story is nothing but fun, happiness, or a compliment to the event we put together.  It took me a long time to truly believe all of that good stuff because that was so not how I felt inside.  As I look back at pictures from that day, I am indeed smiling a genuine smile, and I remember feeling surrounded by love from everyone there.  Every tear I shed that day was a true, raw emotion, whether it was joy, gratefulness, or sadness.  And every smile and hug I gave was sincere and from my heart, and the ones I got in return meant more than any others I'd ever received.  I could not have gotten through that year of my life without the constant, unwavering support from my then fiancé and our friends.  When I look back on that time, that is now what is in the forefront of my mind.  And all of that support will forever touch my heart.  That is what got me to breathe once again....   
 
Now that I have rambled on for so long, I'm asking myself, "Why am I even writing about this?"  I guess partially in a way to still process everything that happened, to re-examine it, and to remember that it's always best to focus on the positives, and the love that are around me.  It's always a good reminder for me, and i think anyone else to remember that the tough times do get better, and the good does shine through.  I feel so incredibly lucky to have been, and still be surrounded by so many amazing people who support me, support us, and love us.  For that reason alone, I'd love to do it all over again!  I wouldn't have a second wedding or vow renewal, but I am thinking of a huge anniversary party some year (and that sounds truly FUN to plan)!  But also, I'm writing this to those of you who were there to share our day with us.  It still means as much to me now as it did then to have you there, and I am so grateful to have all of you still present in my life.  I can never express enough thanks for appreciation for being a part of my family, because that's what you are.  You have added so much to my life, and I love you all....