Thursday, November 29, 2012

Four Reflections of This November

Oh, the holidays are here, and November is coming to a close.  I know so because my head is spinning.  I feel this incessant desire to plan, make list after list after list, and be constantly moving to get everything I want done, done.  But I also feel this need to just sit and reflect.  I try to do both and that is what gives me the spinning sensation.  So I'll take this opportunity to be still and do my reflecting while I take a decorating break and type!  In trying to keep it somewhat organized, I've divided my thoughts into four reflections. 

Reflection #1
It's hard to believe that Thanksgiving has already come and gone.  Thanksgiving itself means that it is a time to pause and reflect, live in the present, and taking notice of the good in all our lives.  I always hope that everyone does that because I think that needs to happen more often in the bustle of life.  I've always been one to reflect and take notice, and this holiday was no exception.  I always know I'm having a good time when I don't think of being anywhere else than where I am at that moment, and that's how I felt this Thanksgiving.  My husband, our dog, and I spent two days and nights at my stepsister and her partner's cabin, along with their two dogs, my dad, stepmom, mom, and one of my husband's aunts.  The guest list alone is what makes me thankful - being able to spend a holiday with most of our family in one place at one time (although we do miss those who live far away, of course).  The best part is, everyone truly likes each other and gets along really well.  It's quite unusual to have a family and stepfamily being as intertwined as mine are, but I feel so lucky that it has become this way.  It's not always rainbows and kittens and sunshine, and believe me, it still has its share of struggles, but it is the good that came from the bad.  It wasn't until my brother was in his second bout with cancer that the lines between family and stepfamily started to erode.  When he eventually passed, that really was the catalyst for my two families becoming like one.  This sounds just awful, but if my brother were still here, a holiday like this Thanksgiving would not have happened.  Oh sure, some will say, "You don't know that", but oh, yes I do.  This has even been a topic of discussion amongst my family and we are all in agreement.  My brother had a lot of anger and resentment in him, and he was the dividing line between the two sides.  He and I had our time with my dad and stepmom, and then our time with mom, but he would never work at building a relationship with our stepsiblings.  I'm certain much of that had to do with the fact that my mom was alone, and he didn't want to do anything to hurt her feelings, or make her feel "second best" .  I on the other hand, was a lot younger, and I welcomed a bigger family.  I wanted to be closer to that new side, but I also felt the worries of showing preference or hurting feelings.  But in my own young ways, I did reach out and forge relationships with them to a certain extent (again, stopping at a certain point due to how some people might feel), but my brother was set on being the driving force behind the clear division, purposely or not.  But when he got ill again, went downhill, and into hospice, he actually became the reason the lines faded.  My three parents needed to work together, support one another, help him, and support him.  Once he passed away, my dad and stepmom took it upon themselves to look after my mom.  Since then, there have been countless birthdays, holidays, projects, and typical evenings spent together.  Like I said, there are still struggles, but the reality is that it's pretty dang good.  

I do not answer the question of, "Which would you rather - have your brother here, or have your family be the way it is now?" because there is no answer.  Of course I want him here, and miss him every day.  But yet I'm so grateful to have moments like we did at Thanksgiving - together as one family. 

Reflection #2
On a WAY lighter note, this is also the one year mark of me having braces!  Yup, I got braces as a 37-year-old, and by choice.  No one told me I needed them, although I probably should have had them as kid, but really, my teeth were fine.  I just decided to do it because I felt my teeth shifting as I got older, and the few "imperfections" I had were getting more and more obvious, but only to me.  I didn't set out to get perfect teeth, just to fix a few things that bugged me.  I had actually planned on doing it for a long time, but finally bit the bullet last year.  In all honesty, I would have totally chickened out, but my husband and I had set aside flex money for it, and I couldn't come up with any other medical or dental things to use the money for.  So here I am at a year, and for as good as it has been, I'm ready to be done with it.  I find out how much longer they will be on next week!  Here's to hoping it's just a little while longer!!

Reflection #3
It is also the one year mark of my temporary retirement!  Last year, my job was cut, and I left the company I had worked at for nearly 13 years.  It was hard to say goodbye to my work family, but leaving that job was a blessing.  I felt trapped by it, the "velvet handcuff syndrome" as someone once referred to it.  I had a good job, I made good money, I had freedom, I got along with my boss (my department was just the two of us), and I liked most of the people.  But I didn't like what I did, and I didn't like the way things were going at the company.  I always longed for something more, but I didn't know exactly what that was, and I wasn't about to give up the perks I had for something unknown.  I am not by any means a risk-taker, and I certainly wasn't going to choose to leave a good thing at a time when jobs were so hard to come by .  So for me personally, leaving allowed me to finally look beyond the walls of that place, and I felt like I could breathe again.  I've spent the past year putting my life in order from cleaning out and reorganizing every one of possessions, to doing some redecorating, and doing projects I always wanted to but never *thought* I had time for.  I've spent so much quality time with my aging beloved dog.  I've spent time looking at my life, learning about it, analyzing it, figuring out ME, like doing my own psych study.  It's been an opportunity for me to really figure some things out about myself, and deal with some things I needed to.  And there are moments where it's like I can feel it all coming together.  It's been a fast ride this past year, but I'm so grateful that I have had this chance to slow down from the pace I was at before.  I have a wish that everyone at some point, in some manner, gets the same opportunity.

Reflection #4
Another Gopher football season (well, except for an upcoming bowl game) has come to an end.  Gopher football is a big deal in my house because both my husband and I were in the U of M Marching Band (a topic I will surely write of at later dates), and football seasons now are like the next best thing.  We spend game days with our friends who truly are our family, and every game day is the best "family reunion".  It's the most heartwarming experience to be again surrounded by so many people that we've been through so much with.  I guess you could say we have season football tickets for a few reasons other than the actual game!  It's always bittersweet when the season ends because the weekends of tailgating, reunions, and just being around the college football atmosphere are on hiatus for another year.  But on the bright side, that means it's hockey and basketball season!     

I'm sure as time goes by I'll write about each of those four reflections more, and in more detail, and hopefully that won't be boring to those of you who read my posts. 

I hope you all have had the chance to do some holiday reflecting of your own, and that you all have so much to be thankful for, at Thanksgiving and each and every day. 

Later, Friends!  I'm goin' back to the jolly work of Christmas decorating!!  Thanks for reading, and until next time...

 

 
 

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