Friday, April 12, 2013

Share the Positives

Good day, everyone!

I read some quotes recently that spoke to me. "Talking about our problems is our greatest addiction. Break the habit. Talk about your joys." A close relative of it is, "Promote what you love instead of bashing what you hate." They both relay the same basic message, and put together they encompass so much more than individually.

How often do you really see that kind of thing though, meaning the positives? Look at your Facebook newsfeed. Do you see more complaints or statements about something that is wrong rather than right or good? Look at the comments people leave on articles posted online. They can be some one of the most outwardly nasty, mean, and degrading things around. Listen to talk radio. Would those shows be 3 or more hours long if they were talking about what's good? Not likely. Take a look at any aspect of the political world. Good luck finding something positive in that arena. Or, simply ask someone, "How's it going?" More often than not, the response is said in a ho-hum manner. If something good is said, it's quickly followed by something not so good, as if on purpose to negate the good. I do it, I'm sure you do it, too. Why is that??  

Everyone sees things differently, of course, and I certainly don't have the answers, but for me personally, I feel like we live in a world where we can't share the positives in our lives. I think we're taught to not make other people feel bad, to not "show off" or give any sort of impression that our lives are "better" than someone else's. We are fearful that the act of saying something positive about our little corners of the world might just make other people feel that way, even if it's not intentional. I know I am certainly fearful of that, and constantly conscious of it. I think we all need to be a little easier on one another, and not be so quick to judge or shut someone down. I believe that this is also one of our greatest addictions. 

It also seems pertinent that it's a matter of our focus, and what our own outlook is. It's true that what you feed gets nourished and grows. And I think we can all agree that it's so much easier to just slide down a negative spiral, than it is to climb out on the limb where the fruit is.  It makes sense; It's easy to be negative and lose control, and it takes effort and energy to achieve a goal.

A friend of mine believes with her whole being that what you put out into the universe, will be heard, and in time come to you. If that is indeed true, and we're putting out negative after negative, complaint after complaint, what then comes back? Do any of us like being surrounded by all that garbage? Not at all, but we get used to it, don't we? One complaint fuels another, then another, and so on. I think this is maybe where the old adage, "When it rains, it pours" comes from. But, what if we were to put out there what makes us happy, what is good in our world today?  Misery loves company, so we have learned, but does that then mean happiness loves solitude? 

I was brought up in a family that had a pretty pessimistic view of the world, and I'll admit that I am a skeptic, and I have a tendency to see the cup as half empty sometimes. When I find myself in those situations, I turn the circumstances around in my head. And it has to be done consciously. Rather than saying to myself, "People are so mean" or "That is the worst idea ever," I ask myself questions, like, "Why are some people so mean?" or "How can they see that as a good idea?" In doing that, it takes me to a place of putting myself in someone else's shoes, of reasoning, and searching within myself to try to block that stuff out of my little corner of the world. It's inescapable, but I don't have to allow (or continue to allow) someone else's mood or bad day to ruin mine, or tarnish the shiny spots in my life.  And neither do you.  It's something that will always have to be in practice, but wouldn't it feel better to practice looking at the good than the bad?

I feel compelled to add though, that I do think there is a place for some negativity, and that it can be healthy.  We all experience and witness some really crappy stuff in life, and there IS a lot to complain about.  But when we bring it forth in a manner that shows defensiveness, righteousness, and close-minded thinking, we turn everyone and everything off.  On the flip side, if we bring those things forth with an open mind, with a desire to shift the focus to what is good, practice empathy, and don't look towards everyone as "upping" you, those same things can then be a connecting tool.  It's those things and those moments that create deeper relationships, opportunities for learning from one another, and opportunities for change and growth. 

I've said it before, and I'd like my blog to be a place where people share and connect.  To follow through on that a little more, I'm going to practice what I am preaching here, and share a positive of my little corner of the world with you all:

This might seem generic, but it is a beautiful day where I am. Keep in mind it is April 12, and we had about 5 inches of snow yesterday and into last night. It looks like, and really is, winter outside, and it's got almost everyone up in arms about it. But it is so pretty out! There are tiny flakes of snow that won't amount to anything slowly falling to the ground creating such a serene and peaceful setting. I went outside earlier and it's not very cold, just refreshing, and there are still birds chirping everywhere. Each day, nature always has something beautiful or amazing to show us, and I think we just need to take the time to really take it in. It can change your mood and perspective.   

The underlying meaning of this post relates to my previous one, in that we should feel free enough to embrace the good in our lives, and share our good news with the world. I'd love it if each of you who read this would comment and share a positive of yourself or your own life. If you don't want to, that's fine, but try doing it in another way in your own life. You just might inspire someone to look at an aspect of their own life in a different, more positive way! 

Thanks for reading, and make it a great day! Until next time...

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

It Could Always be Worse, but it's Alright to Feel Bad

Hi there and thanks for coming back!  I hope the sun is shining in your world today!

I recently learned who Brené Brown is and am enthralled with her work.  Some of you might know her from TED talks.  (http://www.brenebrown.com/videos)  I also saw her on Oprah's Super Soul Sunday show, discussing her newest book, and delving further into the results of her 12 years of research on taboo topics of vulnerability and shame. (http://www.oprah.com/own-super-soul-sunday/Full-Episode-Oprah-and-Brene-Brown-on-Daring-Greatly-Video)
(http://www.oprah.com/own-super-soul-sunday/Full-Episode-Oprah-and-Brene-Brown-Part-2-Video) There is so much I could write about in regards to Brené talks about, but today, one aspect is really sticking out in my mind.  It's something we all do, and we know we do it, but Brené has given it a name.  It's what she calls, "Comparative Suffering."  It's when we rank how our suffering compares to others. 

Today, I woke up with an annoying headache.  A simple, little, frustrating headache.  I get ones like this from time to time as a result of a knot in my back that I'm convinced will never go away, TMJ issues, and having braces move everything around in my mouth and extending down to my neck.  Like I said, annoying.  A few good jarring twists of my head and a loud crack usually take care of it.  Usually, but not all the time.  My chiropractor is a miracle worker and will always get the pesky little tight spots that I can't get.  (Heck, one time I went in to see him and everything was so tight that when he cracked my neck, that the very tippy top of my head adjusted!  It was the most amazing, relieving feeling ever!  But I digress.)  I've aspirined, I've watered, I've stretched, yoga-ed, rubbed, and it just isn't going away easily.  A visit to the beloved chiropractor is not in the cards today, so here I am purposely just letting the day go by as I sit on my couch and feel crappy.  I'm choosing to let it get me.  And about 2 weeks ago, I lost a day of my weekend due to a migraine (from the same tightness that I have today, but it was just centering from a slightly different spot).  As that crossed my mind today, and as my dog started barking at nothing, I lost it for a second.  I got snappy at the dog, and got a bit teary-eyed, simply because I don't feel good.  I thought to myself how stupid it was to get that way from a mere headache.  And the comparisons started.

I started thinking about family members, friends, people I've seen on the news who are truly suffering from what I deem legitimate problems.  Things from MS, to arthritis, to paralysis, ... cancer.  Those people have reason to not feel good, to spend a day on the couch, to get emotional about what they are dealing with.  I don't, and I have no idea what it's like to be in their shoes. 

I thought of my brother who battled cancer for a year when he was a teenager, then again for 5 years as an adult (17 years after the first bout).  He went through chemo, radiation, numerous surgeries and hospital stays.  And I remember what it meant to me to have him at my college graduation, less than a week after he had a major operation where he had been literally split open on the table.  I'm sure he wanted to just stay home and lay low, but he didn't.  He put himself right in the middle of a gathering of about 5,000 people, to be there for me.  (And what made it all that more impressive was my dad did not attend because he just had rotator cuff surgery, and was worried about getting bumped.)  I can't imagine how vulnerable he felt, how crappy he felt, and how much he physically hurt.  But that whole day, he never complained. 

I thought about a friend of mine who passed away a few months ago after a long battle with pulmonary disease.  He was the definition of inspiration.  He battled his disease for years, and never once complained.  He got up each day, embraced his life and went to work teaching students, and went home to be a devoted husband and father.  He lived his life in full all while waiting for a transplant, receiving and recovering from one, being hooked up to oxygen, and then again, being told he needed another transplant.  Even when things were looking grim, and he started to look a bit rough, he smiled, he got up, he lived.  He was nothing but grateful, and he didn't complain. 

Heck, my dog has hip dysplasia, and there are times he has trouble getting up.  But does that stop him from playing, or jumping on the bed to sleep with us?  Nope. 

And I'm crabby and complaining about an annoying headache.  There's my reality check.   

Then I remembered a lesson I'd been taught about compartitive suffering a few years ago actually, before I actually knew what I was doing had a name.  At that time, I was getting a lot of stress induced migraines and they were totally impacting my life.  I don't get the lines or light sensitivity, but I get tired, highly sensitive to smell, my stomach constantly spins and I ALWAYS throw up a few times (overshare, I know).  My doctor sent me to a physical therapist.  During one session while I was waiting for him to come into the room, I took a look around at the other people there.  I saw a woman who looked to be in her 80s, and she was stuggling to move around with her walker.  Instantly I felt so much empathy for her, and I felt ashamed that I was in there for a drastic headache.  When my PT came into the room, he asked how I was doing.  "Eh, ok, I feel bad though being here taking up time for a headache when I see someone like her out there who can't walk," I said.  He looked me right in the eye and said, "But this is impacting your life, isn't it?" 

I went from feeling ashamed to feeling like I had been taught one of the greatest lessons in life.  It was indeed impacting my life.  I missed work, and I missed events.  Just like that woman in the other room's life was impacted by her aliment, but with different circumstances.  What he said helped me accept that I needed help to deal with the dang migraines, and when I accepted that, it wasn't so much of a mental-weight anymore. 

Which brings us back to the present.  When I heard Brené discuss how we compare, and thus hide our own suffering because we believe it isn't as bad as someone else's, it was like she was speaking about me (I'm sure many of you would feel the same way).  Her point was that we all suffer from something - illness, disease, injury, divorce, job loss, financial issues, loss of a loved one, mental illness, ... the list goes on and on - but we need to stop ranking who has it worse, and acknowledge what is happening within ourselves.  Once we acknowledge and accept that, we can then deal with it, and to do that, we have to talk about it.  For me, talking about it takes away it's power.  I bet if I had talked to that woman in the physical therapist's office, I bet we would have found a lot of common ground in how we were feeling.  And I think it's that commonality we need to look for more than which one has it worse.  Our individual circumstances for pain, embarrassment, and suffering will always be different, but it's the underlying factors - how we feel about those things, how we see ourselves as a result of those things - that connect us all.  And haven't you felt better, felt less ashamed or embarrassed when you knew you weren't the only one feeling a certain way?  Misery loves company, but so does healing, and feeling validated. 

So as for me and this pesky headache?  Yeah, it's putting a little black cloud over my day, but it's alright because everyone has a little black cloud of something.  It's giving me pause to remember that this too shall pass, I'm not going to let it take any more of my mental energy, and that I am grateful for this day. 

Remember that you never suffer alone. There is always someone who shares your feelings, and is willing to listen to you, and help you through it. You just have to let yourself be vulnerable enough to reach out. (A bit of a teaser for Brené's talks.) I encourage you all to take a look at Brené's TED talks and Oprah appearances. She's inspiring, validating, I think each and every person can learn something from her.

Thank you to my brother, my friend, my dog, my physical therapist, and Brené positively impacting my life, and giving me a good dose of humility, reality, and perspective.

And thank you for reading!  Until next time...